Lilac Lows


How wonderfully terribly it is, this gift that has graced and hindered me; to see with a particular set of eyes and feel with a particular network of nerves. The seeing I encased in this fragile crystal cage peers out into a landscape distorted by thinking identity.

Only the heart that beats in my chest I feel, and no other. Only the mind’s eye within my head I can see.

For this unique experience I have grown into, a warmth of gratitude seeping through the atrium walls overflows and permeates within the shell. But as the branches on the tree has grown from the same trunk as its siblings, surely must it not be aware of its other limbs?

I can’t help sometimes but feel small, like I’m a grain of sand looking out at the ocean, wondering why I don’t feel one with it. The equilibrium of the sun rays that soak into my cheeks as the sun sets gently below the horizon, bringing light to another side of the Earth, is lost. An endorphin met by a welcoming neuron, felt, then diminished.

When I look around, everyone is confined to their own suit of separateness. Even the wind that whispers to the trees speak a language of isolation.

The Earth is swept with a chilled breeze, like I never really knew how it was I and the world came to be. The path dims as the knowing self stumbles into a cave, with only the chiming resonance of water drop to stone, the touch of rock and soil, and the distant memory of a light to guide.

I feel my emotions inside begin to flare up with stunning exuberance as I withdraw back into my cocoon, and I become its captive. Within this single sentience I am taught to indulge the self of imminent mortality. From this place I pretend to understand and emphasise with the hearts beating around me, but life has turned into an endless landscape of consuming grey.

From the place, the grain stops caring.



A bleak post about what depression would sometimes feel like, this piece only captures the bad days. It does and has gotten better – life always finds a way to bring forth light. The sun always rises and illuminates the colours into the world.


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