I just need to put something here, even if its nothing memorable. I just need a sec word-barf…
There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside me that I’m having trouble making sense of. I’m excited and terrified and doubtful and hopeful and confident all at the same things about all the same things. I suppose there is no right or wrong answer to all the things I’m struggling with. Whatever fate I decide to draw for myself, is ultimately the right one.
None of it matters, anyway. Whether I stay or I leave, it all happens as it’s meant to, and whether I am happy in what happens, is my own choice. I’ll stay focused to the things that make my heart happy;
– Stipple/mandala art
– My book
And just remember that my life is mine to create, as is my sense of ‘value’ and joy all those delicate things that come with being an ego in a human.
My home is where I make it. It doesn’t need to be where a naive 14 year old me dreamt of when I was a literally whole different human. My experience here was not wasted. I’ve grown in ways I’m careless to recognise/recollect right now. And I’ll pass this place as a background extra, drinking ice coffee in -10 degree Celsius weather, bound to have returned to my toastier origins in Australia, a slightly different person.
That feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will find myself well off one day is still quietly and contently sitting there, and I still believe the universe will gently bring it to me, when I’m ready. For now though, it floats like a beach ball out on the ocean waves, every slowly drifting nearer me! (ha! Metaphors need some work). I need only work on my creative ambitions, than just let them meander in my slumber! Enough of that procrastination.
6am and I wonder if I’ll end up sleeping all day. This is the first time in a long time I’ve just been completely absorbed in my own weirdness and stayed up all night, enjoying music and shows and laughing and drawing and just enjoying my own company.
And as an ode to that warm feeling that is embracing my own creative self, I’ll be sure to post this unfiltered, personal piece of writing.
Here’s to 2018, sinking further into my spiritual, creative, conscious, confident, motivated self. And to being less of a mopey and rude and instead spreading more happy vibes! Just for the heck of it!